Fighting is half the battle

StartFragmentFirst grade is going to be tough for my old son. Prodigiously obstinate, bright, yet a loner, he is the paradigm of the square peg forced into the round hole dictated by society. He's loud. He's opinionated. He's curious. He is exuberant. He only respects the authority of adults he loves. He fights tooth and nail when he thinks he is correct and the authority figure is wrong. He smiles broadly and loves freely. He isn't like other children. Starting kindergarten, I assumed that everyone is a unique flower to be celebrated and cultivated in american society today. Doesn't everyone win gold-medals? The answer is no, not really, especially not when your child is beyond the bell curve of behavior and is a little out of the ordinary in comparison to his peers.

"Am I a good boy, Mommy?"

Kindergarten was a real struggle in 2015. We are a military family, stationed in Japan, and for the first time our son was enrolled in a DoDEA elementary school around the corner from our home. It seemed great at first...until the notes and emails started. My child simply did not want to participate in kindergarten. For half of the school year he refused to participate in anything that did not interest him. Quoting his progress report from the third quarter, my son, "...becomes distracted and retreats into himself throughout the day which might hinder his educational performance as he progresses throughout his educational career." His fourth quarter progress report showed progress, however "...still needs reminders about his outbursts and defiant behavior when something doesn't go his way." Initial self-assessments were kindly recommended mid way through the school year. At one conference between myself, his teacher, and guidance counselor, his counselor used a self assessment to indicate my son may be on the autism spectrum, with possibly Asperger's syndrome. I am not interested in putting my son into a box or category starting in kindergarten - shouldn't he have time to mature? IEPs were also discussed, but the effects of an IEP across school years or if it could be held against him were unknowns. I also declined to put him into a 504 educational accommodation program, as no one could fully explain if any education plan within DoDEA could be used against him at a later date. I understand that isn't the point of a 504 - its supposed to ensure children get the help they need and ensure success long term. However, the Department of Defense is notorious for using medical diagnosis's and misdiagnosis's against service members and dependents at later dates. Matter of fact, one of my dear friends, a former dependent child, was removed from USAF basic training with a head cold because her doctor read that she had been diagnosed with asthma as a child. It was a childhood misdiagnosis. She was still immediately discharged as an adult from the USAF thanks to a misdiagnosis on her records. I don't want that happening to my child. But what IF my kid actually isn't on the autism spectrum? What if he is simply a unique, albeit self centered and under-motivated little boy, who just isn't as mature as his peers? I declined further assessment. Would the Department of Defense Education system use a education plans to force him - and me - into a situation I did not desire at a later date? They're not supposed to, but its not something I take lightly. What if my son this self- assessment is wrong? Its incredibly common to be misdiagnosed by military doctors, and mental health is still not something that the DoD does "well" for its veterans and dependents. After being affiliated with the USAF as a cadet, active duty servicewoman and now reserve member and spouse for nearly 15 years total, I am not willing to risk a misdiagnosis. Plus, my son literally hates the hospital. Appointments are torture. Yet school shouldn't be torture, too. When he is interested, my kid participates, yet its hard to motivate him. Every day, his daily blue folder and sticker review after a day of kindergarten was family torture."I'm SORRY" he'd pout. "I just get stressed out." Or, "I don't like school." "Am I a good boy? Please look at my good boy stickers!" We grounded and coached and mentored and rewarded. He improved. He "graduated" kindergarten, but still needs work in reading, writing, etc. I decided to teach him all summer long with a summer learning program, focused on play, travel, and hands on learning. Would it work? Could we home school? Would it be enough?

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Ups and Downs

It has been a roller coaster summer, full of upward developmental progress and downward fights. All of the ups involve travel and adventure. The flight back home to the US was so fun. The bus ride to and from the airport was exciting; airports are my eldest child's favorite place to visit. Airplanes, tv screens and monitors, airport food, all the children's movies he can possibly watch ever during the international flight - total ecstatic joy. (My youngest finds travel to be torture and was inconsolably dragged kicking and screaming through all 6 airport stops!) Our trips through the Midwest US were also a joy. Firsts included river rafting, hiking through caves, and national parks, running through the Ohio country and petting dairy cattle next door to my mothers home. We swam, we read, we discovered water striders and tadpoles and fish in streams. Back at our residence in Japan, both my sons both rediscovered his love of art projects and painting. My six year old's paper mache seal project was a realistic hand selected and blended mix of grey exterior skin and red interior complete with sloppily hand-painted internal organ squiggles. Washable acrylic paint has been a Godsend. Art adorns every surface of my kitchen and my son likes to explain how to mix his primary colors to make secondary colors.

Our "downs" all focused on home based education and the fight to get him to cooperate and engage in formal education. I didn't go cheap on education, either. I literally enrolled him in a somewhat expensive home-school program with a classical approach to education. Reading, writing, basic math - gorgeous layout and books. ALL a huge fight. Everything has been a fight or a protracted debate with my son. (Actually, both sons!) It was a giant fight to learn how to swim and tread water safely. Fight with him a half dozen times to pass his swim test. Fight to do home school - and we didn't make it through one full quarter of it! He loathes being instructed on any topic - and oh boy, don't try to make it fun because he thinks he can just get away with being...a piggish spoiled opinionated brute who pouts his way out of the assignment. You know how I got him to focus and practice his hand writing today? Alternating bribes of food and threats of getting in trouble. No kidding. But it worked. its stressful and hard and frustrating but somehow, my child has actually learned new things and improved his behavior at the same time this summer.

Summer Self Assessment

If I were to assign grades for a summer progress report, to be brutally honest, my eldest child is still "behind" for a first grade 6.5 year old boy. My son loves to scream lines from his favorite movies while he plays by himself. He loathes museums and will still sing every song imaginable when bored to entertain himself. He is occasionally defiant and strong willed. He refuses to read any book on his own, with the exception of one encyclopedia and one book his great-aunt bought with him (which is all about sharks.) He pretends to follow rules like "no running" and "wait your turn" and "don't stand on the diving board"until he thinks he can get away with doing exactly what he wants. So we have to work more on rule following. He is literate only when he is interested and somehow memorizes each book after hearing me read it once and parrots it back without actually reading the words. Yet, he learns and listens when you least expect it.

This summer my son learned how swim safely and write more legibly. He knows all about sharks, how chocolate is made, and how his nose works. He understands where the United States is on a map, where Mexico and South America are in relation to the USA, and where Japan is located in Asia. My little boy smiles more, hugs his family members freely, and loves to scream movie dialogue word for word with his little speech-delayed 4 year old brother. He's matured immensely: helps me dress his brother, loves to help me cook and do housework. After much discussion, my son says he wants to go back to elementary school. We walk by the school, talk about expectations for learning and behavior. We visualize what its like to be a big boy first grader, why getting along with peers and not arguing with teachers is important. His enthusiasm for first grade seems genuine, yet there's a tremor, an undertone of real anxiety and nerves about the unknown.

Crunch time

Will the lessons learned this be enough to help him blend with his peers and teacher? Time will tell. We have roughly 16 more days until first grade starts, we're at crunch time, reviewing sight words, practicing managing his temper when frustrated or exuberantly excited. Every time he asks me "Am I a good boy mommy? Am I good enough?" I just want to weep from frustration. Yes, my son, you are more than enough. You are you. I cherish your wide smile, warm hugs, jokes, strengths, weaknesses. We just have to do our job and that's to grow and learn and be kind to others. And only fight when we have to. How much more should we really expect of our unique children? Aren't we all supposed to be good enough? Rome wasn't built in a day you know.

I dread the first week of school. I just hope he will be considered good enough.

#parenthood #childhood #parenting #specialneeds #autism #suspectedautism #education #homeschool #USAF #Dependent